5 Years

I can't quite wrap my brain around the fact that it's now been 5 years since we lost our sweet baby, Mae. At times it still cuts deep and feels like it was yesterday, and at other times it almost feels like forever ago. Today the pain cuts very deep. I have an ache in my heart and my eyes are already puffy.

I remember my little girl. I remember her fluttery movements in my belly. She was so tiny, her head was like a peach. It was so surprisingly soft, with no hard bones yet. I remember her teeny tiny, but oh so perfect fingers. Her little hand didn't even cover the tip of my finger. But it was tiny perfection... fingernails, wrinkly knuckles, lines in the palm. And her feet, they were just like Ava's (and Maddux's too). Long and skinny and seemingly way out of proportion with the rest of the body. It makes me smile and it makes me cry. There were lots of things wrong with my baby, but her feet and hands were perfect, absolutely perfect.

I remember the labor, a long and stressful labor. Where you want it to be over, but you don't, because you know once it's over it's going to be awful. The summer Olympics were on. I kept the tv on and watched swimming during my contractions. I didn't have an epidural. Having and epidural required having nurses monitor you constantly. I just wanted to be alone.

I remember thinking I was dying. I was bleeding a lot after the birth. My body was still trying to keep a pregnancy going even though there was no longer a baby. Placenta's at 21 weeks are very strong, they're not designed to be delivered that early. I started feeling disconnected from myself. I remember an ob from my practice coming over to the bed. I asked him if I was bleeding out, my hands seemed very pale to me and I didn't feel right. He assured me I was fine. Within minutes I was out. I fainted and was out for several minutes. I went somewhere else during that time. I can't remember where, but I most certainly wasn't "here". I came too and it was like a movie, I was watching the lights on the ceiling roll by, a nurse was patting my side and saying "just hold on", "are you there?", "stay with me". I caught sight of Kevin standing by the wall as I was rolled by. He looked awful. I really thought that was it for me. I could see and sense his fear. He thought he was losing me. I had an emergency d&c and all was well, the bleeding was stopped. I passed out a few more times that day and had to stay in the hospital longer until I could stand up by myself. I cuoldn't even climb the stairs by myself when I got home.

What a day. A day I'll never forget. The details are crisp and clean in my head. But they don't come out to remind me much anymore. We planted 2 trees in our backyard that fall, in memory of Mae. One was nothing more than a stick. Seriously, it was one twig, about a foot tall when we planted it. We weren't even sure it would survive. Today it is probably 7 ft tall. The other was much bigger and is getting to be a nice sized tree today. It now harbors the remains of our kitty, Willie. If we ever move, it's going to be hard to leave those trees.

That day changed me forever. I can't completely say how it changed me, but I know I'm not the same person I was before.

I miss you Mae.